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 Thorne
Security Services
Alarm installation
and home security. Legal papers delivered. Surveillence and covert photography.
Personal protection and defensive driving technique tuition. Full discretion.
Mum's the word. Ex London Met Inspector Tim Thorne t.thorn@thornesec.co.uk
01312 918999.
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Computer Doctor
House
calls and bedside manner you can trust. Hard drive in a bind? RAM gone
a-roamin'? Modem madness? Vile Trojans and Wiggly-Worms exorcised. Software
installed and performance enhanced. Windows and Mac. Fully trained. Anything
from Windows 95 to Mac OSX Lion
Dr Milne's Computer Services. email: d.milne@docmilne.co.uk
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Oona Midnight
Latvian folk-dancing tuition and personal services.
Learn the ways of beautiful rural Baltic hinterland.
Cavort and thrill to the Latvian pole-dancing rites of passage. Also now
teaching Lapland Slow Glide
and the Baltic Thrust for the older client. You sit still: I do all the
work. oonam12@aol.com |
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 Weddings,
Funerals and Sunday Roasts
The Dirty Duck, Linwell. The Gastro-Pub
with Attitude. Gastronomic delights for the whole region. Children
welcome. Weekday Lunch Specials £9.50 to include coffee and glass
of wine. Sunday Roasts, including Carnivore Carvery. £15.99. The
Donkey's back! Tofu? Off the menu, mate. Car Park and Bouncy Castle
(May - October) Linwell 01313 911111
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Real-Meat Again
Organic and low-hormone beef, lamb and pork. All
locally-reared from our own or associated farms. Morton Wood personally
selects and joints only the best of beasts, fresh from the meadows and
happy as pigs in clover up to the very end. Call 01314 2424577 or email
kissmycleaver@hotmail.com
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 Anna
Phoebe
Teacher of world-famous Suzuki Method Evening
classes for the gifted child. Violin and Viola for age 2 upwards. Bring
little Matilda or Tarquin for a free trial evaluation.
New for 2012! Too Old to Rock and Roll?
Never too late for the keen pensioner to enjoy a quick fiddle.
I also teach the Honda Method for a wholesome and productive retirement
as the sun sets on your life. Many satisfied clients.
Brought a whole new challenge when I thought
I knew everything - Calvin Hester, London.
I felt that bow in my hand and a fresh start beckoned. I have mastered
the first Four of the Seasons
and am now working on the Fifth. -- Julian Roach-Coppett, Cruddock Park.
Contact Anna for full rates and appointments
minxandvixen@yahoo.co.uk
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Tarmac
Your Drive?
Lawn-edging and roof repairs? Double-glazing? Pond
and aquatic supplies? Leylandii for sale. 3 - 20 foot. You pay, we plant.
Why put up with neighbours? Sandy Norden Builders, Norden Garden Centre,
Little Cruddock. Tel: 01312 987789. | |
Painter and Decorator
Services
Michael Ostendorf will paint your windows, doors and walls. Internal and
external surfaces. No VAT! Cash preferred.
Phone St Cleve 01314 339459 B&Q-sponsored Decorator of the Year 2007
and 2011. Own ladders and sandblaster.
Email Marianne for papering and touching up. MandMdorf@googlemail.com
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Up and Down with Captain Bruce. Flying
lessons at Linwell Air Park for beginners or advanced students. Slide
your hands over the stiff steering column of a vintage Convair 440.
Wear four stripes and talk rudely to Stewardesses without fear of
arrest. Point the nose up, throttle back and experience the weightless
moment of stall. Pull a few Gs in the recovery and scare the proverbial
out of small children and cowering neighbours behind their Leylandii
hedges. I could go on.
Captain Bryce Dickens. Cozy Corner Cottage, Linwell Common. Email BryceyD@Brcyeair.com
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Personal Massage
and Meditation.
Qualified practitioner brings you solace and inner peace. Oona Karparc
trained in Goa and Riga. Light of touch and firm of foot. Trample and
deep-thrust techniques offered to those of resolve and willing. Restraint
belts and tethers available for the submissive. Cuffs, Taser and Razorwire
on request. Call Oona on 01313 555670 or email to okarparc@aol.com
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De Groot Fitness Club
The Club was formed in 1999 as part of a District Council fitness initiative.
It is now run entirely as a more or less non-profit making village club
aimed at helping people acquire an hour of un-medicated exercise locally
once a week.
WHY SHOULD YOU TAKE PART?
If you are not basically fit, you won’t be able to enjoy taking
part in exercise, sport or conventional nookie. In fact, if you are really
unfit, you won’t be able to do much more than walk short distances
and sit around! You will also not feel as well, fulfilled or as randy
as someone who leads a more active life. Now you can take part for general
health, mental well-being, specific sports training or for social intercourse
and recreational reasons. Or whatever.
WHO SHOULD TAKE PART?
There are no prerequisites in terms of your current level of fitness.
The club allows people to work at a rate appropriate to them. De Groot
Fitness Club has always attracted a wide range of people, whether young
or old, male or female, trans-gender or simply not sure. Nearly everyone
is welcome.
Angela de Groot (57), often referred to as the Jane Fonda of St Cleve,
welcomes the aged, the infirm, the downright flabby as well as the bronzed
hunks of St Cleve (yes, there are one or two) to get down and dirty on
the gym floor with her small team of personal trainers.
Call Angela NOW on 01314 555212 for details of her fitness programme.
Bring a towel. Bring deodorant. Bring life itself!
Anal scrubs and defoliation by appointment. |
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 TAXIDERMY
Dr Marianne Ostendorf (Stuffenmeister, Präparator Institute of Westphalia).
All known species. Nothing we can't stuff. Pets, roadkill, hunting trophies
a speciality.
Mounting plaques in wood, composites and glass. Lockable presentation
cases for smaller beasts. From Elephant to spider. And all sizes in between.
Call or email Marianne today for your Taxidermy needs. Phone St Cleve
01314 339459 email MO@Stuffitkwik.co.uk
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New
stock of books in the Old Library at Linwell!
Firewood
and Kindling