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New stock of books in the Old Library at Linwell!

I am pleased to be able to share a range of new titles for the Spring. For some of the “top shelf” items remember to bring your own plain brown wrapping. Usual discount for the Vicar!”

Log BasketFirewood and Kindling
Delivered by the sack, basket or collect with own trailer. Andrew J Lancome Contractors Ltd. General landscape and gardening services. Field topping, hedge-laying, woodlands cleared. Yew and Leylandii hedges planted and maintained.

Why put up with neighbours? Out of sight, out of mind. Call 01313 222212 evenings only. Don't have a mobile.

Alarm PanelThorne Security Services
Alarm installation and home security. Legal papers delivered. Surveillence and covert photography.

Personal protection and defensive driving technique tuition. Full discretion. Mum's the word. Ex London Met Inspector Tim Thorne t.thorn@thornesec.co.uk 01312 918999

Computer Doctor
House calls and bedside manner you can trust. Hard drive in a bind? RAM gone a-roamin'? Modem madness? Vile Trojans and Wiggly-Worms exorcised. Software installed and performance enhanced. Windows and Mac. Fully trained. Anything from Windows 95 to Mac OSX Lion

Dr Milne's Computer Services. email: d.milne@docmilne.co.uk

Oona Midnight
Latvian folk-dancing tuition and personal services. Learn the ways of beautiful rural Baltic hinterland.
Cavort and thrill to the Latvian pole-dancing rites of passage. Also now teaching Lapland Slow Glide
and the Baltic Thrust for the older client. You sit still: I do all the work. oonam12@aol.com
Weddings, Funerals and Sunday Roasts
The Dirty Duck, Linwell. The Gastro-Pub with Attitude. Gastronomic delights for the whole region. Children welcome. Weekday Lunch Specials £9.50 to include coffee and glass of wine. Sunday Roasts, including Carnivore Carvery. £15.99. The Donkey's back! Tofu? Off the menu, mate. Car Park and Bouncy Castle (May - October) Linwell 01313 911111

Real-Meat Again

Organic and low-hormone beef, lamb and pork. All locally-reared from our own or associated farms. Morton Wood personally selects and joints only the best of beasts, fresh from the meadows and happy as pigs in clover up to the very end. Call 01314 2424577 or email kissmycleaver@hotmail.com

Anna PhoebeAnna Phoebe
Teacher of world-famous Suzuki Method Evening classes for the gifted child. Violin and Viola for age 2 upwards. Bring little Matilda or Tarquin for a free trial evaluation.

New for 2012! Too Old to Rock and Roll?
Never too late for the keen pensioner to enjoy a quick fiddle.

I also teach the Honda Method for a wholesome and productive retirement as the sun sets on your life. Many satisfied clients.

Brought a whole new challenge when I thought I knew everything - Calvin Hester, London.
I felt that bow in my hand and a fresh start beckoned. I have mastered the first Four of the Seasons
and am now working on the Fifth. -- Julian Roach-Coppett, Cruddock Park.

Contact Anna for full rates and appointments minxandvixen@yahoo.co.uk
Tarmac Your Drive?
Lawn-edging and roof repairs? Double-glazing? Pond and aquatic supplies? Leylandii for sale. 3 - 20 foot. You pay, we plant. Why put up with neighbours? Sandy Norden Builders, Norden Garden Centre, Little Cruddock. Tel: 01312 987789.
Painter and Decorator Services
Michael Ostendorf will paint your windows, doors and walls. Internal and external surfaces. No VAT! Cash preferred.

Phone St Cleve 01314 339459 B&Q-sponsored Decorator of the Year 2007 and 2011. Own ladders and sandblaster.

Email Marianne for papering and touching up. MandMdorf@googlemail.com
Bryce Dickens Up and Down with Captain Bruce. Flying lessons at Linwell Air Park for beginners or advanced students. Slide your hands over the stiff steering column of a vintage Convair 440. Wear four stripes and talk rudely to Stewardesses without fear of arrest. Point the nose up, throttle back and experience the weightless moment of stall. Pull a few Gs in the recovery and scare the proverbial out of small children and cowering neighbours behind their Leylandii hedges. I could go on.

Captain Bryce Dickens. Cozy Corner Cottage, Linwell Common. Email BryceyD@Brcyeair.com
Personal Massage and Meditation.
Qualified practitioner brings you solace and inner peace. Oona Karparc trained in Goa and Riga. Light of touch and firm of foot. Trample and deep-thrust techniques offered to those of resolve and willing. Restraint belts and tethers available for the submissive. Cuffs, Taser and Razorwire on request. Call Oona on 01313 555670 or email to okarparc@aol.com

De Groot Fitness Club

The Club was formed in 1999 as part of a District Council fitness initiative. It is now run entirely as a more or less non-profit making village club aimed at helping people acquire an hour of un-medicated exercise locally once a week.

If you are not basically fit, you won’t be able to enjoy taking part in exercise, sport or conventional nookie. In fact, if you are really unfit, you won’t be able to do much more than walk short distances and sit around! You will also not feel as well, fulfilled or as randy as someone who leads a more active life. Now you can take part for general health, mental well-being, specific sports training or for social intercourse and recreational reasons. Or whatever.

There are no prerequisites in terms of your current level of fitness. The club allows people to work at a rate appropriate to them. De Groot Fitness Club has always attracted a wide range of people, whether young or old, male or female, trans-gender or simply not sure. Nearly everyone is welcome.

Angela de Groot (57), often referred to as the Jane Fonda of St Cleve, welcomes the aged, the infirm, the downright flabby as well as the bronzed hunks of St Cleve (yes, there are one or two) to get down and dirty on the gym floor with her small team of personal trainers.

Call Angela NOW on 01314 555212 for details of her fitness programme. Bring a towel. Bring deodorant. Bring life itself!

Anal scrubs and defoliation by appointment.
Dr Marianne Ostendorf (Stuffenmeister, Präparator Institute of Westphalia). All known species. Nothing we can't stuff. Pets, roadkill, hunting trophies a speciality.

Mounting plaques in wood, composites and glass. Lockable presentation cases for smaller beasts. From Elephant to spider. And all sizes in between. Call or email Marianne today for your Taxidermy needs. Phone St Cleve 01314 339459 email MO@Stuffitkwik.co.uk

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