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Hollywood invasion of St Cleve.
St Cleve residents were agog with the news announced late last night that the film version of the 1972 poem ‘He died to save the little Children’ by the internationally known author Mary Whiteyard was to be filmed on location in St Cleve!

“It’s true” said Hollywood mogul Joel ‘Joel’ Yakburger from his office in Santa Monica, “and it’s due to an amazing coincidence. I was enjoying a cheese tasting vacation in St Cleve at the time the poem famously won the Society for Literary Advancement and Gestation award in ’72. I can vaguely remember a bit of a local rumpus about another poem being disqualified – ‘Bricks on a Stick’ I think it was called – because a pop band had links with the area. Anyway, once I found out that Brad and Irma had connections with the place … well, it seemed to me that the big man upstairs was trying to tell us something.”

‘Brad and Irma’ are, of course, the superstar celebrity couple Brad Thumper and Irma Crud who are due to play the romantic leads in the moving yet hilarious story of social manners and mistaken identity in the Barthesian semiotic community. It was only last year that Irma, in the the most explosive edition of ‘Who do you think you are?’ yet broadcast, discovered that she was adopted and had been found as a new-born in a waste paper basket on the steps of the St Cleve parish church: she continues in her quest to find her biological parents whom she is convinced were residents in the area. Brad worked as a waiter in the tea rooms of Lady Parrit House whilst training as an actor in the renowned Linwell Actors Studio between 1971-73.

“We will be searching for locations in the coming months” added Joel “and we may interested in recruiting some local actors and musicians – I’ve heard that some of the early ‘St Cleve scene’ bands, including Mouse Droppings and Flunk, are still doing the rounds.”

The poems’ author, the reclusive Ms Whiteyard, whose views are known to have changed radically in the intervening years, was unavailable for comment when contacted at her Geneva estate.

An American in St. Cleve
Citizens of St. Cleve have always taken great pride in our hospitality to tourists, but nigh on this week at 11 o’clock last Saturday one Al Wilson, an American on vacation leave, had to be arrested on charges of public drunkenness. The American was spotted angry and rambling incoherently in a rowdy tone outside the Cockpit of Wellington Pub. Wilson loitered, whisky bottle in hand, for several hours demanding to meet newest resident, Gerald Bostock. James Dudgeon, a local carpenter, was able to make out some of Wilson deriding Bostock; Wilson exclaiming Bostock’s lyrical style as a child prodigy poet “sucked, was stupid and lacked weight.” The American appears to have been a heavy metal fan following the United States band, Meta-lico on their European tour.

Police Sergeant Graham Tippler noted this was the first time in the history of St. Cleve that a tourist had to be arrested. Somewhat embarrassed by the mishap upon hearing it Sunday, new resident Bostock volunteered to claim the American’s bail and offered him dinner at the Chip and Fish, a tasty eatery specializing in the ‘98% Potato/2% Fish Dish,’ in western Little Cruddock. Bostock appears to have turned a dissenter into a fan as the two were heard laughing and heartily singing into the night tunes as various as “God Save the Queen” and “10:08 to Paddington.”

New Radio Program Airs
"News from Linwell's sister village across the pond -- dateline, Bolinas, California: a new radio programme is due to air shortly, via Internet, entitled "What Does This Sound Like To You?" featuring a collection of sounds gathered surreptitiously by an electronic ear pointed in the general vicinity of Wharf Road from the third floor of a nearby boarding house. Listeners will be invited to call in each week and identify a variety of sounds offered their mystification and entertainment. Winners will be granted discounts at the local nursery, apothecary shop, and smoothie bar. (The programme was originally piloted as "The Drunks At The Red Barn Are At It Again;" however, the title was deemed to be too prejudical to certain local interests.)"

Sand-castle man calls out at night
Holidaymaker and frequent visitor to our parish, German photographer C. Miner
(known as “10Cars” in the fancy-photo-world) ran into a nightly obstacle in front of
Angela de Groot’s Fitness Club last night:

“I was on my way home to my B&B from the Dirty Duck, when a loud roar caught my
ear: 'Angela, please come back!', I heard somone shout into the darkness.
As I came closer I spotted a 10 feet sand-castle erected in front of de Groot Fitness
Club door. Unfortunately I didn’t bring a camera with me, as usual”, says Mr. Miner.

“There were three men near the sand-castle and I recognized Derek Pith (79), known
as the sand-castle man from St. Cleve, who married Angela de Groot from Porton-le-
Grange in 1972, then only 17 years old. Angela left him several years ago to live with
Fennel instructor Freddie Thrushton”, Mr. Miner continues.

Derek Pith says: “I still love Angela so much. Sandy (Norden) helped me with the
sand and together with Andrew (J Lancome) and his tractor 'Matilda' we brought it
here. I want to prove to Angela that I can still erect anything in any size.”

Angela later commented: “ Derek promised to call it a day and give up his hobby
when we married, but he just kept on doing it, although his sand from the beach
wasn’t stiff, firm and pleasant to the touch like it used to be. I need a sportsman to
pull me through like Freddie with his Fennel stick, now that I run the fitnes club.”

“She can come back anytime she wants. My castle is her home.” Derek says.

Burt Carpenter seeks (and finds) roots.
1960s Hollywood heart-throb Burt Carpenter (72) has traced his roots to St Cleve, according to the
Hollywood Informer online site. The twice Oscar-nominated actor has recently discovered that his
great-grandparents originally hailed from our parish. They emigrated to Northern California during
the great sheep bollock-blight years which decimated English farming in 1882.

chainsawSince retiring from his movie career, Carpenter became a leading conservationist, now owning more than 300,000 acres of wilderness in Idaho and Montana and has planted forests throughout the Northwest of the USA. His timber and construction industries use only sustainable wood products.
Burt was given a chainsaw as a gift by his agent following his starring role in the musical, Logger Boys, co-starring Florence Chastity and featuring Burt wielding a chainsaw in defence of his dignity and to ward off the attention of the overly-amorous loggers, who were often away from home for many months at a time. Having taken to the German-made Stihl 28" in a big way, Burt soon took his on-set movie skills to the outside real world. It was said that if a tree came down in a storm, blocking a road, there would be nothing left but a trace of sawdust ten minutes after Burt got to hear of it.

Linwell's own Andrew Lancome is said to idolise Burt Carpenter, having all his classic movies on
DVD and a framed and signed photo over the marital bed.

Doping in the countryside.
Many of our parishioners have been concerned, of late, as to the presence of increased numbers of
foxes. Local hunt protesters have accused the ex-Master Of Hounds Morton Wood of feeding and
encouraging the fox population locally to justify a return to active fox-hunting across the farms and
woodlands of our tranquil farmland. High levels of Vagora ™, a veterinarian prescription similar to
Viagra, have been found in foxes suggesting that there is an attempt to influence birth rates. Vagora
has been used with positive results in zoos across the world to increase panda and other threatened
species populations in captivity. Many zoo-keepers are also experiencing increased fertility rates.
Local vet, Cyril Hughes, denounced use of such products and insisted that nature's way was best.
Cyril is a senior partner in The Animal House, The High Street, Clutterbury. He is married with nine

While StCleve.com® has no editorial policy to support or decry fox-hunting locally or nationally, we
deplore the use of dangerous chemicals to excite and stimulate poor defenceless animals to overt
displays of a sexual nature, especially in front of children. Only last week, three goats, some
chickens and a small flock of llamas were seen in the Linwell Primary playground, apparently
engaging in group activities. A crowd of parents had gathered and some reports suggest they were
seen applauding and cheering. Video footage has subsequently appeared on YouTube but was
removed at the request of the headmaster.

Open nights at the Art and Soul Studio™.
“Everyone has some artistic talent,” says Carol Feeley, proprietor (38, 23, 36). First-timers are
Labimask Tape invited to a free evaluation and lesson in life drawing. "It's good to shed inhibitions and join our
little team of artists and models in unfettered freedom of expression," says Carol. "We encourage
nudity without embarrassment or shame. The delicate tracing of the human form, conveying light, shade, contrast, line and movement are a joy to experience and we can all join in to have a fun evening of art and soul."

Ms Feeley trained at the Bourbon Institute in Lyons and has exhibited in many galleries in the UK and France, where she has a Summer home. Bring your own drawing tools or buy sketch pads, charcoal and crayons from the studio boutique. Posing pouches in various colours available for
bashful gents.

Easy-peel Labimask ™ tape on hand for the ladies. Well, not on hand; more down there, but you
know what we mean.

SluggoReigning cats and dogs.
Popular dog breed, the Porterdale Terrier, has triumphed again in the St Cleve Cat and Dog Show.Sheena Sanderson's champion stud, Sluggo of Rutland, wowed the judges with his natural aggression and wiry physique. Sluggo has been permanently confined to barracks and is sedated for
most of the time these days.

TJ and Kash, two farm moggies, were disqualified after peeing in Sluggo's travel basket. The beautiful black and white Talisker (4), of
Talisker Cruddock Hall, was eventually chosen to represent the feline contingent in the winner's enclosure. Rewarded with a dish of Waitrose Seafood Cocktail, Talisker posed for photos with the younger children and supped his favourite tipple of Isle-of-Skye malt whisky in milk. He travels to the USA next month and is scheduled to meet the President of the United States. (See story in Family Matters pages.)

Carnivore carnival.
Landlord Jamie Dinnerman (38) of the Dirty Duck in Linwell, has put donkey on the menu again in
defiance of some objectors. "We tried llama and swan at the request of the more adventurous and
culinary-curious, but the old beast-of-burden is back by popular request," said Jamie. "We have
Nettle Chile Salsa Salad and Yew Tree Suicide Pie for the veggie brigade so why not cater for the
carnivores of the village?" Samantha Muttering-Parrit (49) is threatening to garner support for the
boycotting of the The Dirty Duck if Mr Dinnerman does not capitulate. Mrs Muttering-Parritt, a
keen curry club enthusiast and past traveller to India and the East, attempted to get planning
permission for change of use to a dedicated vegetarian Bangladeshi-style restaurant two years ago
before Mr Dinnerman took on the license. Her husband, lorry-driver Dave Muttering, did not favour
her plan, saying at the time, "Foreign muck, that stuff. Don't get me started. Nothing wrong with a
good pie, chips and mushy peas. Dirty Duck forever, I say. Bloody woman. Hell to live with. Heart
of gold, the old hippie, but hummus sandwich for Sunday lunch doesn't cut it. Don't get me started."

Pub quiz night at the Dirty Duck.
The local team takes on visitors from Beddington and Slimpton-on-Marsh in the quiz of quizzes.
Andrew J Lancome leads the local contingent in the hope of winning for the third month in a row.
As the Dirty Duckers triumphed last month at the away match in Beddington, the visitors are now
set on retribution. Concerned as to possible fisticuffs, landlord Jamie has brought in Tim Thorne and
a couple of his ex-constabulary mates to keep law and order. The genial Thorne has never failed to
entertain with the Phil Collins Tribute Karaoke evenings which he organises at the Duck on
alternate Wednesdays.

Ariel SpellbinderHypnotist sees eye to eye.
Occultist and Hypnotist Ariel Spellbinder will appear for the third time at the Community Centre in
July for a knockout evening of mind games with the volunteer audience. His stage craft and
wizardry will take the place by storm. Audience members will simply not believe what they have
got up to under Ariel's Spells. Hypnotism, card tricks, old-school Magick. The Dark Arts come

Southwest Homeless League.
Another bring-and-buy morning is booked in at the St Cleve Community Centre for Sat morning
April 21st with proceeds going to the charity, Crisis UK. Crisis has raised many millions in recent
years to benefit homeless individuals and families. Any old stuff in the attic? Any old clothes or
books, tools, toys in the garden shed? Come along to the bring-and-buy and meet neighbours and
friends, old and new. Help save a live. Help save dignity. www.crisis.org.uk/

Spike DoolittleWhimsical drama.
Gay and Lesbian life in the three parishes is set to be celebrated in a new play staged by the Linwell Players at the Cardamom Theatre in Clutterbury next month.

The whimsical drama Mr Jennings is set in a village in the West Country and explores the interaction between newly-resident middle class commuters and the local agricultural community. Whilst comedic in places, the poignant and sometimes sad story line will touch the hearts of all, regardless of sexual orientation.

Michael Quad and Lilly Pipwell take the lead roles with some marvellous cameo moments from ex-Linwell Player Spike Doolittle, regular on Holby City and other TV dramas. Peter Parry-Jones wrote and directs the play.


New centre to help injured military personnel.
Royal Wootton Bassett is soon to be home to a new centre for Social Integration and Support to
help the injured and traumatised service men and women returning from military duty overseas. SIS
will take in six families for a period of three months each to help with retraining, physical health
support and mental well-being. It is entirely funded by private subscription from local business and
private donation, so look out for details of this charity as they emerge in the next weeks. Veteran of
two desert wars, Major Garry Bartok (50) is hoping for planning approval and permission for
change of use at the deconsecrated St John Chapel in Milton Street.

The Somerset Express, train hobbyist store in Clutterbury, to finally close.

MallardJerry Baskitt, (50) long-time proprietor of the model shop, Somerset Express, has decided to sell up and move on. “The days of model trains, airplanes and boats have more or less finished,” said Jerry to local media. “I suppose I could stock video games and the like but I am too old to go for that sort of thing. Youngsters today don't know what they're missing.” An auction will be held to sell-off
remaining stock and already several items have appeared on eBay™ but, so far, without a sale.

Steve WilsonSteven Wilson Moves up to 16 track
Community recording studio and rehearsal room owner, Steven Wilson, has revamped his facilities to introduce a 16-track recorder. A retro-enthusiast moving up from 4-track and 8-track systems, Stevie has long advocated the Sergeant Pepper approach to recording with two Ferrographs and a
Grundig from the early 1960s. Using high quality Shure studio microphones purchased on eBay™, he succeeded in getting warm and full-sounding recordings of the Clutterbury Brass Band last Christmas and some wonderful live gig audio snapshots of the Thunderbards, local thrash-metal Shakespearean tribute band when they appeared at the Dirty Duck audition night. Steven purchased the 1970s Studer tape machine from lederhosen-clad visitor Ulf Doerner in March and has had it reconditioned ready for integration into his studio at Little Cruddock. With his own neo-prog band,
Hedgehog Forest, Steve has recorded some demos which he hopes may get a favourable listen from the record companies in London.


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